The Internation Convention of Insulting Sawyer
by Alex E. Andras
Summary: After one pass too many, Kate finally snaps. What happens when Kate goes mad, Sawyer starts singing and Charlie and Hurley get dragged in? Oneshot


The Internation Convention of Insulting Sawyer

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Summary: After one pass too many from Sawyer, Kate finally snaps. What happens when Kate goes mad, Sawyer starts singing and Charlie and Hurley get dragged in?

Disclaimer: I own no one in this. At all. I'm very sad about that. If I did own it all, I'd probably be married to Sawyer and drinking margaritas on the Island.

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Kate stormed up the beach, sand flying from her path in a desperate bid to escape the fury. Charlie sensed her coming up behind him and froze, torn between the need to help a friend and the desire to flee from the raging volcano of Kate. By the time his mind had made its choice, Kate had flung herself to the ground and grabbed Charlie's ankle, pulling him down beside her and deflating all hope of escape. 

Charlie sighed, and ran a hand through his hair – that was all you could really do with Kate when she was like this -sigh, and let her rant it out of her system before she got to violent…

"What's the matter?" he asked, having a feeling he knew the answer. _3…2…1…_

"Sawyer." Kate spat the word like venom

_Bingo! We have a winner!_

"What's he done now?" Charlie asked tiredly, leaning backwards slightly, and staring up at the sky.

"Tried to make a pass at me." She grunted. Charlie closed his eyes to prevent Kate from seeing them roll. Same old same old, you'd have expected her to be used to it now…

"Kate, you can't let him get to you." He said calmly "He's not bloody worth it." Kate only replied with a growl so realistic that other survivors close by edged away from the jungle beyond encase a polar bear was about to leap out and attack them.

"What's going on?" a voice asked, Charlie's eyes snapped open, and a smile appeared at his mouth. Hurley. If anyone could save him right now, it'd be Hurley.

"Sawyer." He answered at the same time as Kate once again spat the word. Fear actually appeared in Hurley's eyes

"In which case…" he started, at which time Charlie acted, sweeping Hurley's legs out from beneath him. The latter of the two men fell to the floor heavily, and Kate pounced, grabbing his arm with her free hand – her other still holding Charlie's ankle – and dragging him over to her.

"I've had enough." Kate hissed "If he makes one more pass…" she let the threat hang and the two men attempted to scuttle away for safety, which only made Kate increase her grip on them.

"Kate." Hurley said "Violence is not the answer"

"It is when Sawyer's the question." Kate spat back

"Kate." Charlie said warningly, laying a hand on the woman's arm. She ignored it, instead glaring out across the beach through her hair, muttering under her breath

"Umm. Kate?" Hurley said after a few minutes of her doing this "You know Sawyer's not going to spontaneously combust if you glare like that, don't you?"

"… DAMMIT!"

"Kate." Charlie said happily "You've got to remember that, if we were to kill everybody who hated Sawyer, it wouldn't be murder, it would be genocide." This brought a smile to Kate's lips, and her glare softened slightly.

"Dude." Hurley said, warmly greatly to the whole 'take the piss out of Sawyer' vibe "In the dictionary under the word 'stupid', it says, 'see him'" he aimed a finger in the direction of Sawyer and nodded triumphantly

"You have to feel sorry for him though," Charlie said eventually "I mean, he's reading Watership Down. That's enough to leave anyone needing a psychiatrist" At this statement, Kate grinned evilly and stood up, pulling the two men up with her

"Come on." She said manically and began marching the boys away

"What?" Charlie yelped, trying to pull away from Kate, which was about as effective as trying to fell a tree with wet paper "Where are we going?"

"I've got an idea." Was all Kate would say. They marched, albeit somewhat reluctantly, across the beach, and stopped suddenly as they came close to Sawyer.

The man was wandering around his shelter, tidying things away, he appeared to be talking to himself, but now that the three were close enough, they were able to hear the song

"Sawyer is handsome, Sawyer is strong, he's really cute and his hair is long" at this last point of the song, Sawyer flipped his hair Charlie's Angel's style – slow motion and all, and flashed some imaginary person before him a smile.

"Sawyer is handsome Sawyer is…" he started to sing again, but was cut off by a coconut flying through the air and striking him on the head, knocking him to the sand. He raising his head slowly and with a moan, shaking it and then peering around in bewilderment

"Where'd that come from?" he asked

"Nowhere." Charlie said quickly, striding over "Must have been a swallow"

"A swallow?" Sawyer asked slowly "How the hell did a swallow…"

"STOP SINGING YOU SOUND LIKE A DYING BOAR!" A voice, Kate's voice to be more precise, screeched. Sawyer whipped around, lay eyes on the angry woman, and grinned a diamond grin

"Freckles!" he yelled, then winced, the coconut obviously having given him concussion and a very big headache "You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!" he started to hum and dance

"STOP SINGING YOU SOUND LIKE A DYING BOAR!" Kate screamed again, her face red with anger and frustration, Hurley and Charlie had already fled for the golf course, not wanting to have anything more to do with Krazy Kate in one day.

"Freckles…" Sawyer started teasingly

"Shut up!" Kate screamed "You know, the thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you!" by now any polar bears on the island were probably swimming for their lives

"Kate…" Sawyer began

"I HATE YOU!" Kate screamed in reply, spinning on her heel and marching off. Sawyer watched her go for a minute before letting out a low whistle

"Freckles is damn fine when she's angry." He mused, and a second coconut flew through the air and struck him on the head.

X

Dusk had settled a while before Charlie and Hurley crept back to the beach, they kept a wary eye out for Kate, and relaxed to see her approaching Jack.

"Jack?" Kate started, trying to sound worried, one look at the mischievous glaze in her eye would have told anyone differently

"What's wrong Kate?" Jack asked, instantly worried, she stood before him nervously, chewing her bottom lip and wringing her hands

"It's Sawyer." She confessed, "He's reading that damn book again… Watership Down… I think it's turning him funny, though he won't admit it. I know you're a doctor, so maybe you could help him a little…"

X

The next morning saw Sawyer sitting under a tree, his glasses perched on his nose and 'Watership Down' open in his hands. Jack walked over to him with the air of someone going towards a wild bear with toothache. Sawyer didn't notice Jack, being too absorbed with what was happening to those poor rabbits in his book…

"Just put the book down, Sawyer." A voice broke into the mans thoughts, and he glanced up to see Jack standing before him

"Huh?" he asked, confusion written all over his face

"Just put the book down, Sawyer." Jack repeated gently "Easy now. That's it. Okay. Up you get. Slowly. Gooood. Now, come with me. Come on. We're going to have a little _chat_. Good boy, Sawyer."


End file.
